Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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