I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
