i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize