Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
