We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
