You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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