glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it because I queefed?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
