I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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