So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
