Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
