It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
