On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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