dude i'm inner monologue high
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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