life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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