3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
