i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
