God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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