1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
