ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
