I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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