I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
