I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
