just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
