I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Randomize
