considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
