Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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