i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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