Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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