I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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