O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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