I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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