No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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