If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
