she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
