i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
