New invention idea: vibrating tampons
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
