I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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