Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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