Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
