im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
