I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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