The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
