and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
