i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
