I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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