dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
