Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
