went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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