I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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