Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
