why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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