Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
