On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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