Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
