miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
