Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
