Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
