My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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