You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
