just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
