The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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