he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
