You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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