new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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